ghosts of me's past.
dear ghost of me’s past,
Today I released a balloon for you.
Over the Christmas break, my pastor said something that really moved me. He said that people feel stuck when they’re looking forward at the things they want but also looking back and holding on to things in the past. I thought that that was especially profound because I have felt stuck for years now and I am big enough to admit that letting go of the past isn’t my strongest suite.
Two years ago, I started releasing balloons. Whenever I got really overwhelmed, I would close my eyes, think about all the things that were making me feel overwhelmed and then I’d imagine that I was blowing them all into a balloon. When the balloon was sufficiently inflated, I would release them as a symbol of all my troubles floating away. Today, I tried to squeeze the memories of the past that have been holding me back into a balloon. I took a deep breath and watched it float away from me (dramatic, I know but I’m nothing if not slightly dramatic).
This was meant to be a goodbye letter, the type you write to a loved one that you’ll most likely never see again. I’ve been trying really hard to come up with words to say to the person I was back when and I have come up short. This might just be because I’m reluctant to let go of the past but I know that it’s necessary. Holding on to the past was like spotting shore from sea. You know that no matter how troubled the waters are, as long as you can look out and see and reach the shore you’ll be fine. For me, since my time at college has been quite turbulent, I’ve always thought that as long as I can see who I was in the past (when I thought I had everything) I could somehow become her again and be happy again, lol. Time has taught me that that’s not entirely possible and I need to let some memories holding me back go. It’s hard because now I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean with no place for safety. All I can do is keep swimming hoping that there’s dry land ahead.
After watching the balloon till my eyes hurt from staring at the sun too long, I felt a little bit liberated. Like I could breathe a little easier and that’s a good sign, I think. Bottom line is, I still don’t have my life together but then, who the hell does.
I’m still on my journey and I hope this year is my best year yet, cheers.
love x light
girl
