05/04

Truthfully, I have been feeling very uninspired yet pressured to write something new. I’ve been feeling pressured to learn something new about myself or reach a critical junction in my journey. I have tried really hard to understand myself on a deeper level so that I could write about it. Everyday, I have looked at myself and begged it (mind, body, and soul) to reveal something, anything about me that I can use. I come up short each time.

I finally graduated college last month after four long and treacherous years. I got my B.S. in Chemical and Biomolecular engineering and I’m about to get my masters in bioengineering (yay me!). For the past couple of years, I told myself everyday that all I had to do was make it to graduation and I’d be ok. I would no longer feel this immovable weight on my chest and I’d be able to breathe easily and feel light again. Last year when I saw a therapist for the first and only time, he asked me what I thought I needed to be happy and I told him that I just needed to graduate. He gave me a curios look and asked me that what if after graduation I still felt the exact same, what would I do then? I gave him a curious look back like what the hell does this guy know and I never saw him again. That was the only thing I was convinced of in my life at the time, I would be different after graduation; better.

It is now June and I’ve been a graduate for about 7 weeks now. I have been to both Philly and Calgary, Canada for the first time, I have been stuck in Indianapolis for almost 24 hours, I have finally seen Avengers: Endgame and I have been enjoying taking pictures of the new places I’ve been to. Despite all this, I still feel the same. I felt the same after my last final, I felt the same when I wore my graduation regalia, I felt the same when I walked across the stage and I have felt the same everyday since then. The weight on my chest is still a constant companion in my life; a reminder that I’m still not doing better, I’m still feeling trapped, and the therapist probably knew what he was talking about. Most importantly and sadly, I still feel stuck and constantly confused by how I feel every minute. So there, this is my truth. I’m not writing because I’m not growing or learning and I’m terrified. Contrary to what the Jonas Brothers think, happiness has not yet begun for me.