fear

Fear is an emotion I’m extremely familiar with. I have a crippling fear of heights and an even more crippling fear of failure and mediocrity, to name a few. I have been told often that my fear of chickens is laughable but 7-year old me was certainly not laughing when she was surrounded and attacked by an angry mob of chickens in her dream. So don’t judge, ok?

Someone I respected once said that she keeps all her emotional cards close to her chest just so that no one is able to steal them and use them to exploit her. At the time, I thought it was the most genius, most profound and deep thing that I had ever heard and so I made it my motto too. As a result, I’ve come to realize that I developed a new fear; a fear of opening up to people. I’ve spent a lot of nights crying in my little on-campus apartment or trying to be my own therapist or feeling mentally overwhelmed because I’ve rationalized that someone could use my vulnerabilities to hurt me at any time and no one would understand or want to listen to what I had to say anyway.

I recently re-connected with my best friend from secondary school (hey Chiagoziem) and one of the things we talked about was how secretive I am with my emotions. He was opening up to my about some deep stuff and when he turned the questions around to me I closed up like a clam. For as long as I can remember this has always been me, willing to hear about other people’s issues but not so forthcoming with mine. I’ve always felt like no-one hears me and I always need to shout or scream for someone to listen to what I have to say. I’ll often find myself in a group of people and it seems like no one hears or acknowledges me when I speak. This did nothing to help my fear of opening up. In fact, it fortified my reasoning for closing myself off.

A few weeks ago I realized that my older brother had discovered this blog and I panicked for days because I started this blog to provide a space for myself to be vulnerable and try to sort out the mess in my head. I was extremely embarrassed because I didn’t want him invading a personal space of mine and making me feel insecure about it all.

In a month I’ll enter my 20’s and I’m trying to make better promises to myself. I am very big on birthdays; I believe every major age marks a major milestone. Well, 20 is a major milestone for me following a ‘pretty meh’ first two decades. I want to play a more active role in my life and in my journey to getting to my peak self. The first promise I’ll try to keep is to get over my fear of opening up to the right people when I find them, so…

Hey Nkem and Orby. You found my blog! Welcome to my blog, my journey, my story. I’m overcoming a big fear and it feels like jumping off a diving board. Scary but equally thrilling. This is my safe space and I’m letting you both in.

love x light always

girl