fear

Fear is an emotion I’m extremely familiar with. I have a crippling fear of heights and an even more crippling fear of failure and mediocrity, to name a few. I have been told often that my fear of chickens is laughable but 7-year old me was certainly not laughing when she was surrounded and attacked by an angry mob of chickens in her dream. So don’t judge, ok?

Someone I respected once said that she keeps all her emotional cards close to her chest just so that no one is able to steal them and use them to exploit her. At the time, I thought it was the most genius, most profound and deep thing that I had ever heard and so I made it my motto too. As a result, I’ve come to realize that I developed a new fear; a fear of opening up to people. I’ve spent a lot of nights crying in my little on-campus apartment or trying to be my own therapist or feeling mentally overwhelmed because I’ve rationalized that someone could use my vulnerabilities to hurt me at any time and no one would understand or want to listen to what I had to say anyway.

I recently re-connected with my best friend from secondary school (hey Chiagoziem) and one of the things we talked about was how secretive I am with my emotions. He was opening up to my about some deep stuff and when he turned the questions around to me I closed up like a clam. For as long as I can remember this has always been me, willing to hear about other people’s issues but not so forthcoming with mine. I’ve always felt like no-one hears me and I always need to shout or scream for someone to listen to what I have to say. I’ll often find myself in a group of people and it seems like no one hears or acknowledges me when I speak. This did nothing to help my fear of opening up. In fact, it fortified my reasoning for closing myself off.

A few weeks ago I realized that my older brother had discovered this blog and I panicked for days because I started this blog to provide a space for myself to be vulnerable and try to sort out the mess in my head. I was extremely embarrassed because I didn’t want him invading a personal space of mine and making me feel insecure about it all.

In a month I’ll enter my 20’s and I’m trying to make better promises to myself. I am very big on birthdays; I believe every major age marks a major milestone. Well, 20 is a major milestone for me following a ‘pretty meh’ first two decades. I want to play a more active role in my life and in my journey to getting to my peak self. The first promise I’ll try to keep is to get over my fear of opening up to the right people when I find them, so…

Hey Nkem and Orby. You found my blog! Welcome to my blog, my journey, my story. I’m overcoming a big fear and it feels like jumping off a diving board. Scary but equally thrilling. This is my safe space and I’m letting you both in.

love x light always

girl

summer loving

“Summer, after all, is a time when wonderful things can happen to quiet people. For those few months, you’re not required to be who everyone thinks you are, and that cut-grass smell in the air and the chance to dive into the deep end of a pool give you a courage you don’t have the rest of the year. You can be grateful and easy, with no eyes on you, and no past. Summer just opens the door and lets you out”

-Deb Caletti, Honey, Baby, Sweetheart

I’ve spent a large part of my college life trying to understand what freedom feels and tastes like. Last summer my boss asked me what self love meant to me and I had no answer to give him mostly because I didn’t have an answer that I thought made me sound like an intellectual. I also had no answer to give him because for all my talk on self love I had never really given myself space to actually identify what it looks like to me.

College has been more of a rollercoaster than I initially expected when I strapped in three years ago. I find that with each semester I feel like I lose a little bit more of myself and as someone who likes to be in control of their own journey this has also brought a bit of anxiety into my life. Since I was a kid I always had a plan or some sort of expectation of myself for each stage of my life and in this current phase of my life I think I’m falling a bit short.

I’ve had a personally rough couple of years and I’ve never looked forward to summer as much as I did this past academic year. The first day of summer vacation was like the first breath of fresh air after being submerged under water for a bit. I’m excited for the sun in Houston and the pool I can see from my window which I plan to make my second home. I’m pretty excited this summer to start to define what self love is and hopefully start practicing self care also.

I love the summer so much because I can be whoever I want to be. A few days ago, I met a guy at the gym and I made up a totally imaginary life story and he believed it and I loved the idea of being someone else. Even though a few weeks ago it didn’t look like it, I believe this will be the best few months of my life. I will work on my plans for after I graduate in a year, work on my French, get better at coding in Python and write more, hopefully. Above all, I hope to start defining what happiness and love of self looks like to me while living my best life in the sun.

I hope by the end of the summer I'll be better able to tell you who I am or at least what freedom feels like. Whatever it means to you, make self love a priority in these sunny days. Let the sun heal you. 

love x light

girl.

P.S let me know what self love or freedom is to you. I want to know.

resolutions x

dear 2018,

please be good to me, i have my fingers crossed and my eyes shut tightly. 

I've become very good at writing new years resolutions that I don't fulfill or look at ever again after I write them out. I like to take a day out towards the end of the year and evaluate my year; things I did well and things I didn't do so well and things I should have accomplished that I didn't. I try to understand the things I did right and the things I did wrong as well. At the top of my list for this year is to be happy.

I was listening to Oprah's Super Soul Sunday Podcast with Gretchen Rubin called 8 Rules to Happiness and she and Oprah both said that we all want to be happy but we don't know what that looks like or how to achieve that. So I've decided to be intentional in the pursuit of inner peace and happiness. Being intentional is giving myself space from people and spaces that rob me of my happiness. Being intentional is being selfish with my personal space and who I choose to share that with. Being intentional is speaking the right words to myself everyday.

So Happy New Year babies. I hope that as you follow me on this wild quest to find myself and experience this temporary home we call earth, you also find yourself and whatever you're looking for.

love X light 

girl.

image credit: @ilovecities on twitter.